Ok been tryin to get back on this for a while but never really had anything to talk about, but life has been crazy lately...smh
On My Mind:: Actin like a dude
What does that mean exactly? Well mostly as females, at least me, when talkin to a guy you tend to just keep to that one guy whether it's going anywhere or not. Dudes on the other hand talk or "flirt" with more than one girl at a time.
Idk for me it's weird like to talk to more than one dude at a time you know callin them "boo's" not actual "boyfriend." It seems sort of dishonest, but guys do it and I know some girls do it too. My friend called it "testing the waters" lol if one dude doesn't work out you have someone else. Lol.
Hmm...to me it seems like too much work [yea I can be type lazy smh lol]. I mean havin one dude gives you problems now add a couple more dudes and that's just too much drama...smh. Like you got to keep names in check, making sure you don't send someone a wrong text, etc... .
The attention can be fun sometimes lol. But it's whatever I really don't think it's for me though. It's entertaining to watch other friends, like it's still work for me like tryna remember who's who. I be like "Where'd you meet him again?" or "Whatever happened to what's-his-name?" lol.
Well people, friends, we're young so it's co0l to just have fun sumtimes but be careful to not get hurt in the end.
On My Mind:: The meaning of life is in t.v. and music
You know when you hear a song and you watch t.v. and they are about stuff that happen in life, well unless you've experienced what is being sung or acted out it's purely entertainment.
I pretty much knew this but like I've recently just notice it. Like I am in love with music, and I have several favorite t.v. shows, but I used to just watch and listen for entertainment and pleasure. Yes, I understood the situations going on, but until I went through something it seems like every show I watch I can definitely relate to.
The idea that the meaning of life is in t.v. and music makes sense. People create the art and media that is out there, and it is out there because they have been/are going through life and so they portray it through music and image. There then becomes a great respond to those works because of us. The youth of the world that are about to /are going through the things that we see and hear. This helps us know that we aren't the only ones that are going through a certain situation. So I guess you can say misery loves company. But also, when we are happy we can feel as if everyone around us is happy through the happily ever afters in t.v. shows /movies.
"you're in a hole, you need to get out of that hole." not my words, but exactly what I was thinking.
On My Mind:: 05-05-09
For you guys that know what that date means that's not exactly what it meant to me, I just went along with what was said because I wasn't ready or sure if what I thought it meant really was what it meant to say anything to anyone yet.
That day was kind of a realization/breakdown. After talking and thinking through after what happened I've come to realize that the way I acted, I am not like that. I was confused about who I was for a long while because who I knew me to be, who others knew me to be did something that was not me but in a way it sort of was. The action of going against a friend is not me and it still hits me what happened, the pain I caused, and that I caused it. But the action of giving in is pretty much me. That's the flaw that I've had since the first day anyone has asked me for anything.
Yeah, as I am getting older I've become more hesitant or actually have denied people, but it's still a struggle for me and happens very seldom. This flaw is linked with my fear [idk if that's what I'd call it but I can't think of a better word] for confrontation. I don't like hurting people and because of that I don't like arguing, fighting and anything that may lead up to any type of confrontation. I tend to just say okay then ignore it, sometimes even forget about it, and go on with life. Like I have to be nice to everybody it's just automatic with me. Like i really, really can't stand hurting someone even if it's just like not sharing a piece of candy with them. I'm serious it's that bad with me. One time I offered candy to my friends sitting next to me and there was this one other kid sitting to the other side of me that no one really liked and I just didn't know them really but I didn't offer that person candy, I put the little rest I had back in my bag. After that I was really overthinking it sitting there next to the person, like I felt bad. Like that situation is linked also with me just being shy too. Because I didn't know them and I am one not to go up to people it's like I make friends by the friends I already know that introduce me to other people.
Anyway, 05-05-09 made me realized how serious this flaw I have really is. I really am going to try and work on fixing it even though it's the hardest thing in the world to me. I've started by realizing it, seeking help by talking to someone, and I guess even by typing it up for whoever is reading this. That last part is a little overwhelming thinking about how this blog is for anyone's eyes when I am afraid to just opening up. But I guess it's progress in a way, because I am for real about bettering myself, for me and for everyone else. [The human being is responsible for himself and the rest of society - ethics: it really started making sense once it was over lol, but that deserves a whole other post].
Ok so I wasn't really sure what I wanted to talk about today I was just bored and remembered this but I think I got it now...
On my mind:: Finally done
So I'm finally done with sophomore year, glad because school's over for now and kind of not glad because I'm going to be a junior next year, time [college] is going by real fast.
This year has been a test not the tests I had to take in school either. But somehow I survived the year. It was in a way a preview of how harder things are going to get in life, I really don't know if I am prepared for it or not. I wish of the simpler times when time was good, the good old '90's...lol. Matter of fact more like time before college.
Not so many responsibilities or decisions back then. But then again not so much freedom in my case either, wouldn't want to go back to that, rather I want to move forward with more freedom.
But didn't someone once say, "with more freedom, comes more responsibilty"? That is so true, with the greater freedom I found this year there was more responsibility. I was definitely tested and I did fail on one part as mentioned in the last post. But "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" right? [seriously, there is a quote for every situation smh]. Anyway, I believe that to be true, but the process of becoming stronger can be painful and long, which can sometimes make one feel like just giving up, but then am reminded of all that there is to live for. All the dreams and plans that haven't come true yet.
I'm not really sure what else to really say...this year marked the end of sophomore year and my teenage years. But it marks the beginning of my understanding as well, such as that stuff happens to good people, I really still don't understand and it's still kind of unbelievable everytime I think about what happened. All I can do is learn from it, I learned about me and how serious this flaw [I've had growing up ever since elementary school] really is. I really will try to fix it not only for myself but also for the people I care about.
I may continue doing this blogging thing since I seem better able to communicate through this than out loud.
On My Mind:: My Birthday weekend
As of May 3, 2009 I am officially no longer a teenager. I don't really feel that much different yet been too concentrated on finishing up school strong among other things. But I really enjoyed my birthday weekend my bests made it the best one I ever had. Yeah it did get a bit crazy but for the most part it was the best I ever had.
As a result of my crazy birthday truths were revealed. I revealed a truth about one of my bests friends and I'm really sorry about that. The call seemed to have triggered it because I was kind of gone.
Also a truth was revealed about me. Not from me though, but by another of my best friends and I wasn't trying to come at you in fact I thank you for that, seriously. I really couldn't bring myself to say it. I wronged one [in a way all of them] of my bestest, oldest friends. I knew what I did was wrong. I don't know why really I did it, I think I really did fall for the talk like you said. [But even though I did fall for it I still knew and I still did it]. Because that is something I wouldn't ever believe me to do. I went against myself because I didn't believe in doing that to a friend, whether a close friend or not and I did it to one of the closest people to me. I am so so really sorry.
It was wrong not telling you in the beginning, but I made it worse by taking so long to say anything after. It's not my fault, well it is but I mean like I really, really, couldn't tell you. I am not a confrontational person like so serious. You were saying how to talk to one of our friends when me and another one was having problems and then how I didn't even talk to you about what I did. Well, I never talked about the problems with our other friend with her. I know it would be good. I know all this. But it is the hardest thing for me to do is to confront someone. That's why I feel you and like all the rest of our friends our lucky in that you guys are able to confront people, like I wish I could do that. Yeah, I'm real shy and quiet [mostly if I don't know someone] but I am outgrowing it little by little. But I still can't confront people I only did it once only because my friendship with you was important to me. Even then though it still took me 3x as long to finally do it. I really am sorry for all of this, especially that I ended up hurting you.
Dead and gone...
I know you care and it's hard for you because I know you well enough to know that you were really holding back at me. I really do love all you guys no lie. And seriously without all you guys I have no life, but I brought it on myself, which I still can't understand.
So I'll really try to keep this up but I've been thinking about doin this blogging thing since I've been having a couple of thoughts on my mind lately...
On my mind:: No longer being a teenager
In 4 days I will be 20 yrs old!...When i turned 19 it was w/e cuz it wasn't 18 and it wasn't 21 either. But turning 20 just seems weird. i will not be a teenager any longer wut will that all mean?
It feels to me that i won't be able to... - talk the same - act the same - wear the same clothes [shopping!!! :) lol] - BE the same! about that....
Who am I?
That's a real good question. At times I feel I know who I am and other times I'm wondering. I used to be the sweetest girl. College loves the sweet girls. It pulls you in by showing you the freedom that is yours to have. But when you want to do good it shows you what's bad and that option always looks better. It get even harder when you have friends that share the same good moral principles end up choosing the better looking option.
Slowly but surely I am breaking away from being that shy, quiet, waaayy tooo nice girl. I am not a mean person i know that much. But being too nice isn't all good. It's like people want to test me and see how far I'm gonna put up with them. I really don't understand why everyone just can't BE nice notplay nice. I know that's not possible though. I am not naive, before I came to college I used to think I wasn't naive but I was, a little bit at least.
I've opened my eyes and try to see people for who they are and not who they say they are [I tend to try to see the best in people, which makes me a bit gullible]. As I get older [thanks be to God] I get wiser. Wiser meaning I am seeing the world for how cruel and mean people can be. I am not being cynical because even though I'm getting older, there is this little girl inside of me that wants to change the world, that when she prays [which could be more often] she still prays for world peace.
I'm all for bettering myself, but for the most part I hope to stay As I Am...the Sweetest Girl<3