"you're in a hole, you need to get out of that hole." not my words, but exactly what I was thinking.

On My Mind:: 05-05-09

For you guys that know what that date means that's not exactly what it meant to me, I just went along with what was said because I wasn't ready or sure if what I thought it meant really was what it meant to say anything to anyone yet.

That day was kind of a realization/breakdown. After talking and thinking through after what happened I've come to realize that the way I acted, I am not like that. I was confused about who I was for a long while because who I knew me to be, who others knew me to be did something that was not me but in a way it sort of was. The action of going against a friend is not me and it still hits me what happened, the pain I caused, and that I caused it. But the action of giving in is pretty much me. That's the flaw that I've had since the first day anyone has asked me for anything.

Yeah, as I am getting older I've become more hesitant or actually have denied people, but it's still a struggle for me and happens very seldom. This flaw is linked with my fear [idk if that's what I'd call it but I can't think of a better word] for confrontation. I don't like hurting people and because of that I don't like arguing, fighting and anything that may lead up to any type of confrontation. I tend to just say okay then ignore it, sometimes even forget about it, and go on with life. Like I have to be nice to everybody it's just automatic with me. Like i really, really can't stand hurting someone even if it's just like not sharing a piece of candy with them. I'm serious it's that bad with me. One time I offered candy to my friends sitting next to me and there was this one other kid sitting to the other side of me that no one really liked and I just didn't know them really but I didn't offer that person candy, I put the little rest I had back in my bag. After that I was really overthinking it sitting there next to the person, like I felt bad. Like that situation is linked also with me just being shy too. Because I didn't know them and I am one not to go up to people it's like I make friends by the friends I already know that introduce me to other people.

Anyway, 05-05-09 made me realized how serious this flaw I have really is. I really am going to try and work on fixing it even though it's the hardest thing in the world to me. I've started by realizing it, seeking help by talking to someone, and I guess even by typing it up for whoever is reading this. That last part is a little overwhelming thinking about how this blog is for anyone's eyes when I am afraid to just opening up. But I guess it's progress in a way, because I am for real about bettering myself, for me and for everyone else. [The human being is responsible for himself and the rest of society - ethics: it really started making sense once it was over lol, but that deserves a whole other post].


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